Tough Love
by fasterassembly
Summary: If only Valentine's Day could be easy as whipping out thirteen roses and making a mushy confession. Robin's attempt at gift giving ends up in being a total waste of time. [RobRae] [oneshot] Forbidden Love Valentine's Day contest entry and a selfparody.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Teen Titans. Or a social life, but that's for another day.

_**Tough Love  
**__Or: Misadventures in Questionable Advice_

The problem with girls was they never said anything straight, despaired Robin on Friday, February thirteenth. Raven was adamantly refusing to tell him what she wanted for Valentine's Day (were they even a couple? He wasn't sure), and when he asked for a hint she replied with something along the lines of, "Robin, if you're so helplessly inept at romancing a girl, I'm not even sure why I even like you. Jackass."

Naturally, he turned to his loving, caring friends for help. Undoubtedly, they would help him in his endeavor to make the perfect Valentine's Day for his perhaps-not-girlfriend!

"Look, man," said Cyborg from under the T-Car, "if you want to woo her, first buy twelve dozen roses, switch her bed with one of those heart shaped ones for the day, paint her room red, buy some pink strobe lights and take her out for dinner at some fancy restaurant. Then when you get back, open the doors for her and take her to her room. And then you two can start disgusting us all with your lovey-dovey, flowery sweet talk the next day."

Of course, Cyborg's method might've worked if Raven had an overnight personality switch. Chocolates and flowers, perhaps, but the rest? Robin decided to keep the strobe lights in mind just in case he wanted to commit suicide. Cyborg pressed a box of chocolates into his hands as he left, and Robin resolved to eat them later. Beast Boy approached him next, full of advice.

"Hmm," said Beast Boy, whipping out a blackboard and getting a pointer out of the depths of his room. "Okay. So." (The pointer hit the first illustration, a crude avatar of Robin squaring off against Slade) "First you take down some big bad guy, and then!" (The pointer slapped the next illustration of Slade being taken to jail) "You beat him and you'll be, like, all wounded and all" (pointer-slap to a beat up Robin) "and then Raven" (pointer-slap to a sobbing Raven) "is crying all over your dead body and all, but then poof!" The blackboard went flying out the window and Beast Boy jumped on Robin. "She swoons in your arms and you two live happily ever after!"

Unfortunately, he lost more often than he won when fighting Slade, so that was out of the question… and being beaten up on Valentine's Day wasn't his idea of a good time. He thanked Beast Boy and went back to Cyborg.

"Serenade to her with a ukelele," suggested Cyborg, but further details were drowned out when a bucket of paint fell on his face. Robin ducked away into the living room.

_'This will be impossible!'_ whined he, fearing that all he would only have a ninety-nine cents Valentine's Day card with a cheesy poem in Times New Roman font on the inside flap to give Raven. Or even worse, expensive jewelry.

"I don't need jewelry, you dork," she'd probably say before bitchslapping him halfway to the moon.

"Friend Robin!" chirped Starfire. Robin was jerked out of his brooding and almost fell over. "I have heard up that you are seeking to romance friend Raven, but have rejected all the conventional and clichéd methods of winning her through!"

Robin perked up. "You have? Do you have any advice?"

Starfire looked thoughtful. "On my planet, it is traditional for the male to give up their reproductive fluids and make it into a porridge fit for consumption."

Robin turned a funny shade of green and opened his mouth.

_BEEEEEP. BEEEEEEEP. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP._

"Never mind," Robin said hastily, as the alarm's klaxon-like wail made his eardrums shake. Beast Boy flew into the room, and Raven appeared from the shadows in a sunny corner of the living room. He ran to the computer console. "We have a jail break!"

Cyborg ran in the room, oil streaked on his chin. "What?"

"A jail break!" he repeated, bringing a map with pulsing, red circles around the west side jail. "There! Titans, go!"

He sprinted out of the room and to the garage, determined to not make eye contact with Raven. Hopefully she wouldn't remember about tomorrow.

_'Hopefully.'_

* * *

Robin dragged himself to his room. The prison break was cleaned up fairly quickly, but then Cinderblock broke out and managed to free Plasmus. Plasmus took the liberty of spat all over a nuclear power plant (Robin was clueless why anyone would make a nuclear power plant so close to a high-security prison), and it was only thanks to Cyborg's expertise that Jump City wasn't another Chernobyl. It was well past midnight before any of the Titans were able to fall back into their rooms. 

On his nightstand, there was a red Hallmark card. Inquisitive, he picked it up and opened it.

_Robin –_

_Since it is technically Valentine's Day, I can give you this now and not have to worry about Beast Boy making embarrassing noises. _

_Happy Valentine's Day. _

_With love, Raven._

On his pillow, a gold birdarang caught his eye.

* * *

When he woke up, the sun was high and it was Valentine's Day. All he had was a bunch of useless origami paper, tacky glitter, and that box of chocolate Cyborg gave him.

_'It could be worse,'_ he comforted himself, up to his neck in self-pity. He rolled onto the floor and got dressed. He could call in sick. He could pretend he forgot. He could hope Raven forgot. He—

"Oh Robbie-poo, why haven't you gotten anything for me for Valleeeeennnntttine's Day?"

"AAH!" Robin's knees buckled and he pitched face-forward into his closet. Memories of the Valentine's Day disaster with Kitten sent waves of nausea through his body and shivers of paranoia through his limbs. He wouldn't go out with Kitten! He refused! He… heard a small explosion that sounded halfway between a laugh and a snort. Annoyed, Robin finished buttoning his tunic and pulled out a Bat-Rock from the sixth compartment of his utility belt. He stepped out of his room and threw the Bat-Rock at Beast Boy's head.

"Ow."

"Not funny," he said stiffly. A muscle in his arm had a spasm.

Beast Boy shrugged and giggled. "You should've seen the look—" Robin's face turned brick red, and the giggle died in the child actor's throat. "Er, what are you going to get Raven for Valentine's Day?"

A small thundercloud appeared over the wonder boy's head. His face twisted into a smile that could've cracked glass. "Why don't you go ahead and romance Cyborg before I shove one of my birdarangs down your throat?"

Beast Boy blew a raspberry as Robin stormed past him.

_'I'm doomed,'_ he thought, glad that he wrote his will a year ago. Robin smoothed his hair back, and inched to the kitchen table. Cyborg and Raven were already sitting at the table, and Starfire was running over to him.

"Happy Days of Valentines!" chirped Starfire before he could sit down. A small shower of confetti rained down on him. Robin's bad mood vanished for the moment.

"Uh, happy Valentine's Day to you, too." Starfire giggled.

"As one of your lovers" (at the table, Cyborg spat out his coffee) "I insist on giving you a card of valentines!" She handed him a mess of glue, glitter, ink and paper. Robin took the card and tried opening it, only to find it was one sided.

"Thanks?" he said, brushing heart-shaped pink, red, and white confetti out of his hair. He allowed Starfire to crack another rib with one of her monster hugs and escaped to the safety of the table. Cyborg clapped Robin on the back and nearly made him hack up a lung while Raven hid a small smile.

"So you got one, too," she said, a faint hint of amusement in her voice. Her card was being used for a placeholder for her mug of coffee. Unusual choice of drink, but it was a beverage Raven drank when she wanted to stay awake for the rest of the day.

"Yeah," Robin mumbled, a pang of guilt bruising his ego. "Happy Valentine's Day, Raven."

"You too," she said coolly, evidently not really caring for another pointless holiday—at least, not in front of the rest of the team. "Let's hope Kitten doesn't ask you out for prom night again."

What was this, Remind Robin of Kitten Day?

"Who's cooking?" he asked, trying to change the subject.

"I am," Cyborg said with a slightly manic grin. "Toasting the waffles right now."

Waffles were a favorite in the Tower, and eaten only on special occasions. He wasn't sure how the tradition started, but he wasn't about to complain. There wasn't anything in the world waffles couldn't cure.

"Great," he said, forcing a grin. Raven shoved an elbow into his ribs. "Ow."

"Something wrong?" Cyborg asked. The toaster spat out the now cooked waffles, and the older boy went to collect them.

"No," Robin lied, eyeing Raven darkly. Raven smiled innocently, and used her telekinesis to make the spoons fly out of the drawers and spell, "what did you think of the birdarang?" He opened his mouth and was spared from answering by Starfire greeting Beast Boy. Beast Boy ducked the hug and scampered to the table with the alien trailing.

"Friends!" she said, half-shouting. "I am pleased to announce that today is the day of Valentines! I have researched Earthling customs, and have arranged a series of activities for us to share our love for each other!" Today, I propose that we indulge in the having of fun." She looked at the other Titans eagerly. "If you are favoring my proposition of the having of fun, please raise your hand and declare, 'aye'."

Robin stared at her cluelessly. So did the rest of the team.

"Uh," started Beast Boy, looking somewhat frightened by Starfire's enthusiasm.

"Let's finish breakfast first," said Cyborg. "Then we'll play."

Raven looked like she wanted to protest, but didn't say anything. Robin was just glad he didn't have to answer any questions… for now.

* * *

Starfire was beginning to think her festival of games was turning out very badly. Robin and Raven seemed unable to make a decision on anything. When she brought out her board of Monopolizing Valentine's Day, they spent several minutes arguing over who was going to be the banker, and then argued over the probability of Raven landing on Robin's property squares seven times in a row. When she brought out Pin the Tail on the Donkey, Raven and Robin bickered over whether they should remove Robin's mask to make sure he couldn't cheat, and eventually settled for him wearing six blindfolds at a time. Beast Boy and Cyborg were reacting happily, yet the two birds that seemed determined to butt heads on this day of appreciating loves.

Surprisingly, they both seemed rather sullen when she refused to let them team up for their game of footing balls.

* * *

At two-fourteen, the small party ended abruptly when Starfire suggested that they play truth-or-dare. Robin was surprised it even lasted that long. He had underestimated how deep the girls' friendship ran, despite listening to Raven grumble out compliments for the Tamaranean. He doubted anyone but Starfire could get Raven to play pin the tail on the donkey or Twister. The rest of the day was spent lounging around lazily, playing games, reading, scowling at boyfriends and, in his case, writing reports—in his room. The Kitten jokes were one thing, but the prospect of disappointing Raven was frustrating. That wasn't really the right word to describe it, but it had to be better than spitting out some gushy, heartfelt words about how he hated disappointing—

Right.

Raven was probably angry now. He just blew her Valentine's Day into a million pieces. Valentine's Day was supposed to be romantic, but instead he was adamantly ignoring her and trying to worm out of any romantic relations. His behavior was embarrassing _him_.

_'What to do now,'_ he mused, bracing himself for yet another Cinderblock report. He was actually beginning to consider Cyborg's plan. (Suicide seemed like a good alternative about now.) The greenhouses were probably fresh out of roses by now, and screw chocolates. The box Cyborg gave him was American-made, and Americans made horrible chocolates.

On further reflection, he _did_ learn origami back in second grade. Granted, he only learned how to make shirts and pants, and failed miserably in every other aspect, but how hard could it be to make a few flowers?

* * *

Raven was getting edgy. She had been standing at his door and knocking for the last hour and a half, and he _still_ wasn't coming out.

"Are you ever planning on getting out, or am I going to have to drag you out by your teeth?" she hissed under her breath. It was bad enough that he was avoiding her all day, and it was even worse that it was now ten-fifteen, and the rest of the team would be coming back from their trip to the grocery store soon. (How long did it get to get a gallon of milk, anyway?) Sighing, she knocked on the door again.

"What?" a dazed voice asked from inside. "Cyborg?"

"Your girlfriend, dope." Her stomach seemed to tingle; being called his girlfriend sounded a lot better when Starfire said it. "Open up."

There was a lengthy pause, and then Robin said, "Give me a minute."

Raven rolled her eyes and leaned against the wall. This was going to take a while.

_'One Azarath-Metrion-Zinthos, two Azarath-Metrion-Zinthos…' _At sixty, she knocked on the door again. "Robin."

"Give me—"

Raven used her telekinesis to blow up the motor that controlled the door. When it didn't open, she tore the door off its hinges.

"I gave you a minute," she said tersely, and then took a second to boggle at the unkempt state of his normally clean room. Crumpled up pieces of brightly colored paper carpeted the ground, covered the bed, and was all over his desk. "What happened?"

"Nothing," said Robin quickly, wiping his desk clean. "I was… practicing my origami."

"I'm touched," said Raven flatly, recognizing what looked like a paper shirt on Robin's desk that could've fit a finger puppet. "Let's go eat dinner before the others get back."

"I don't feel too hungry."

"I do."

"Then let's eat," said Robin, attempting to inconspicuously shove something in his utility belt. She wondered if that birdarang she gave him would fit, and then waved the thought off. Robin would have to be stupid, and furthermore insane, to use it as a weapon.

They walked (sulked, in Robin's case) to the kitchen, where two bowls of cold clam chowder stood lamely around the left end of the table with spoons sticking out of the bowls at awkward angles. Three empty bowls with soggy cracker crumbs were hastily crowded on the opposite side of the table, almost as if it was an afterthought. Without complaint or adding of bad crackers, Raven began eating (drinking? swallowing?) her soup. Robin made a face and whipped out a Bat-mini-microwave.

"What do you _not_ have in that utility belt?"

"You," he declared with a grin, and set the timer for one minute.

She glared. "Witty, Robin. Very witty." The cold soup tasted awful, but she never liked clam chowder, anyway. An awkward silence fell between them. She sighed slightly. "The soup is very… clammy," she said in her attempt at being erudite and striking conversation.

"Yes," said Robin, sounding annoyed that she would even bring such a trivial stupid topic up at dinner. "It is clam chowder, after all."

"It might be cod. All fish taste the same."

"No they don't," countered Robin. "There is a definite difference between cod and clams. Cod tastes like chicken. Clams taste like duck."

She managed a sideways sneer. "You know, when most people say 'it tastes like chicken', it isn't a compliment to the chef." Raven had never eaten duck before, but she was assuming that it tasted equally bland and god-awful as chicken.

"Almost all meats taste like chicken," said Robin pointedly. "It's been scientifically proven."

"In the Numbed Taste Buds Anonymous survey, I'm sure."

"Fine Chef's Magazine," he said smoothly as the timer went off. Robin cautiously removed the soup from the microwave and took a cautious slurp.

"How about 'I'm Making This Up' magazine?"

"It's a possibility," said Robin, wiping at his mouth with a paper towel. "But you're right, this soup tastes horrible." He gave her a Cheshire Cat grin. "I do know you well enough to know you hate it."

She blushed slightly, and discreetly spat out a mouthful of fish in her napkin. She threw the napkin into the trashcan. "Not that much."

He folded the napkin, and then, frowning, stuffed the napkin into the still full bowl of chowder. "Let's skip to desert, then."

Raven gave him a dull look as she wracked her mind for the deserts that hadn't been consumed by the combined forces of Cyborg and Beast Boy. "Crackers and cereal?"

Robin prepared to take something out of his utility belt, but—

"BBOOOOOOOYAH!"

The door opened with a slam. Cyborg and Beast Boy practically fell into the room in peels of laughter. Starfire trailed behind them, carrying three gallons of milk and looked somewhat befuddled.

"Hello, friends," she said through her teeth. She sounded considerably less enthused than she did when the trio left, and looked considerably greener. "I must depart to the device of removing excrement named John before I proceed in the art of speech making!"

"You go do that," said Robin, concerned as Starfire zoomed out of the room at lightning pace. He peered at the giddy pair of boys, and shook his head. "What happened?"

Beast Boy giggled. "Dude! We just had the greatest joy ride _ever_!"

Raven stared at him, and then Cyborg. "I see," she droned, and as an afterthought, "I hope you didn't ruin the paint."

Robin looked at her oddly. "Since when did you become so concerned about the paint job?"

"Since she became _my_ apprentice," Cyborg declared, looking decidedly superior. "But no, Rae, just busted our tires."

Her lip twitched into a sneer. "Super," she deadpanned. "We'll have to fix them now. Let's go, Cyborg."

Robin looked faintly disappointed, Raven noticed, as the she and Cyborg exited the living room and headed for the garage. The empath made a mental note to check up on him after fixing the tires after she dealt with a hyperactive Cyborg. The android practically skipped into the garage and was whistling cheerfully.

"What makes _you_ so happy?" she sneered, entering the garage-cum-workshop with a considerably greater amount of dignity than Cyborg did. Raven just barely managed to restrain a, "did you get laid?" from escaping her mouth; just because Beast Boy took a perverted pleasure in lacing innuendo in everyone's words didn't mean she had to follow his lead.

"Don't look so angry," he said cheerfully. "Just because Robin's being completely oblivious to your advances—"

"We're dating," she interrupted. "He doesn't have to be oblivious to my advances; I've already _made_ them."

Cyborg shrugged the comment off and began looking through a recently bought pile of scrap metal for tires. "You know, he asked me for advice yesterday about a gift he could give you for Valentine's Day."

Raven tried beating down a yawn and speaking at the same time. "Really?" It sounded like she was talking through a mouthful of cotton.

"What?"

"_Really_," she said, annoyed. The hot soup was making her tired, or more likely, yesterday's all-nighter was finally catching up with her. "I'm surprised. I didn't think he would be so materialistic." Although on reflection, it did make sense for him to be insecure. They had only been 'officially' declared lovebirds in November.

"Didn't you ask me to electrolyze one of his birdarangs?"

Raven's scowl deepened. "No." Besides, Valentine's Day was more than gifts; to her, it was more of an appreciation of the one she deeply cared for—but she just stole that ideology from Starfire without spending too much time thinking about it, so she was probably wrong. Raven leaned over to inspect the wheels, and her frown pushed a little deeper into her face. "There's nothing wrong with these wheels."

Cyborg coughed into a deflated tire. "Just thought I heard something explode."

"Probably your circuitry," she jeered. "I'm going to sleep."

"Long day?"

Raven shivered, the memories of Twister latching on her leg and refusing to let go. "Yes," she said bluntly, and left. Behind her, she could hear Cyborg laughing.

Boys and their cars. She'd never understand them. The doors made A Star Trek-esque 'whoosh' as she stepped in. Much to her disappointment, Robin wasn't anywhere in sight. Starfire, however, was draped over the couch with a towel on her forehead. When Raven opened her mouth, Starfire made an angry, "go away" noise. Raven respectfully complied and this time headed for the elevator.

_'Stupid jerk,'_ she thought grumpily. _'Not even a good-night.'_

A yawn cut off her next thought, which was considerably more profane than the first. Punching the 'up' button, Raven felt another frown making its way on her face when a giant, "OUT OF SERVICE, PLEASE YELL AT CYBORG" sign flashed before her face.

Raven was halfway to the stairs when she decided to just teleport to her room, instead. Closing her eyes, she flopped over on the bed and fell asleep.

* * *

_'Dammit,'_ thought Robin, watching Raven rise from the shadows and fall asleep without noticing him. He crawled out from under the bed, clutching a slightly squished box of chocolates and several paper airplanes disguised as flowers. He put the gifts at the foot of her bed, and braced himself to say something extremely mushy. Something heartfelt. Something like those longwinded, cavity-inducing confessions of love in Starfire's chick-flick movies.

"I," Robin began, and then faltered, suddenly scared witless, and then he realized that he should save his confessions for later—preferably when Raven was actually _awake_. He was about to leave when a sudden thought struck him like a lightning hitting the X-Phile wearing a tin hat. Perhaps she could read his mind when she was asleep? He narrowed his eyes and tried to laser his thoughts through her ear and into her brain.

_Zzzz. _

Raven turned over on her side, mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like, "Boys can never do anything right."

"Argh," Robin grunted. He threw his hands into the air and left her room.

Valentine's Day gift-giving was entirely overrated, anyway.

**_The End_**

**Author's Note**: For the Forbidden Love Valentine's Day challenge. Since I didn't enter last year, I decided to give it a spin this time around. I'm rather pleased with this, and it's one of my longer one-shots. Hope you enjoyed it.


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